I'm in a glass cage of emotion

Having any form of a mental illness is one of the most difficult things to explain. Only those who have been affected by it closely or connected to someone who has can understand. Not even the professionals we pay the big bucks to ever fully comprehend the pain/anger/disappointment we feel within ourselves.

My story goes like this..

I was diagnosed with "severe depression and anxiety" about 7 years ago and have tried many different medications and forms of treatment . I've been on the same medication for the last 3 years (Efexor XR), and although I believe it has been the best one for me, I also believe it has taken away my 'real' personality. The type of personality that is crazy, fun, daring, up and down and all over the shop. But not only do I feel it has taken my personality away, it's come with the side effects, such as sweating (anyone that knows me knows it a running joke that I'm constantly complaining about having "the sweats"), dehydrated, jaw clenching; (which turned into TMJ - lockjaw (yes, laugh all you want, but it was PAINFUL! But thankfully I've had my wisdom teeth out now, which is a whole other story, and that has taken the pain away! YAY!) I know they're just the standard side effects but what I hate most is the feeling that if you slip up and miss your meds for ONE day your body goes into complete withdrawal mode.. and I don't know about you, but for me this entails headaches, shakes, nausea, vomiting, extreme stubbornness towards anything positive and then the roller coaster ride of emotions.. sounds fun doesn't it.. ? Or not.. ! =P

So now.. after 3 years of having not made any real progress I was still wondering what the eff is wrong with me?! My family GP over the years has thought of the possibility of Bipolar Type 2.. which I always thought of person that had the label of Bipolar meant they were crazy, so I was a bit reluctant to ever want to consider that I could have this, but she kept saying there is 2 different types etc. I still don't understand completely but I am now seeing a psychiatrist who is helping me immensely!! I am on mood stabilisers along with a lower dose of my antidepressants and I couldn't be happier. My life is finally starting to come together.
I still have my good days and bad days where I am manic but I can at least say they are a lot more controlled now.

Ideally I don't want to be on ANY medications, but for the time being they are helping me.. going forward I am continuing my dream for happiness, and I believe to do this I have to maintain a healthy lifestyle.. which involves eating healthy and exercising, hopefully by doing this on a regular basis I can eventually come off the medications..

I will keep writing about my ongoing dream for happiness.

Taz x

The mystical art of multi-tasking

I believe I am the QUEEN of multi-tasking!! I am capable of doing so many things at once that it could almost blow your mind!!

The most impressive ones I have to mention have all been while I am driving..
Back in the day when I had my Honda Civic, with no cruise control, I managed to fully change my outfit on my way to and from netball and netball training - yes when I say fully changed, I mean bra and all!, apply make up (no biggy), plucking eyebrows and occasionally eat my cereal.. then I hit the big time and got a car with cruise control. That made things so much more possible..
This is when I hit the big time.. I can brush my teeth, put full stockings/panty hose on, creating my maccas breakfast feast - (which includes bacon & egg mcmuffin meal, hold the egg, extra hash brown and a sweet and sour sauce. I start by opening the muffin, breaking up a hashbrown and putting it into the muffin and then drizzling the sweet & sour sauce over the top. I then eat the other hash brown dipping it into the left over sweet & sour sauce and then move onto the muffin - it's DELICIOUS!!!) I can find things on the backseat floor by taking photos of the floor and then sliding my seat back (cruise control is on) to then rummage around to find it. I have drink holders so I will happily have a traveller when I am on my to a friends place to get my drink on.. have managed to skype friends to see their wardrobes so I can see what clothing I want to borrow or just a regular skype chat.

I understand that most of you do try these things and if you are capable of successfully doing them, kudos to you, you deserve my respect, because I believe it is a talent.

Just having a few sneaky sips..

One friend of mine in particular is so talented that she was once able to drive in the dark, driving a manual, eating noodle box with chopsticks and I believe was most likely using her phone as well... snaps for her!



Finding the shoes I want on the floor (don't judge the messy floor!)



*Please note - if you choose to use your phone while driving, that is your own fault. I do not take responsibility, I have to be responsible of my own actions. =)

*Also note - I am not a dangerous driver.. I am yet to have an accident, not that I intend to.

*****TOUCH WOOD*****



Enjoy multi-tasking, it's one of the few things us women can do a hell of a lot better than men!!

Ciao ciao x

Ongoing Happiness..

Following up from my last blog I want to talk about how my plan to "Smile at myself in the mirror for 11 seconds" went..

To be perfectly honest, to actually find time to sit still and look in the mirror for 11 seconds is a lot harder than it sounds!! I'm one of those people that is always in a rush, even if I'm running on time or early, I will always rush around, especially in the mornings; which is when I had planned on doing the smiling thing. I did it a few times while putting my make up on my way to work - yes I was driving! But, just as I said I would, I looked like a fool. I'm sure people were driving past me thinking I was an escapee from a mental institution, which made me have a giggle to myself, so inturn I was happy for that day..
So overall I think maintaining your happiness involves a number of things..
1. Exercise
2. Healthy diet
3. Surrounding yourself with happy people

If anyone else has some ideas for maintaining happiness, feel free to post them! I'm open to trying new things!

Taz

Happiness

We all want happiness.. it comes easier to some than others but ultimately, we all want it. Whether your happiness is from love, children, family, money, career - anything, we all want it!
My idea of happiness is to wake up one day and not feel that constant dread that consumes your whole being.. you don't want to face the world - the doona cover is such a more pleasant place; but you know that if you don't get up that ONE day, the cycle will begin and it's highly likely you won't get up again the next day and so on and so forth.

I read somewhere once that if you smile at yourself in the mirror for 11 seconds you will end up laughing at yourself, (because yes, you will look like an absolute DORK!) and then inturn you will be happy for that day - so my plan is to try and do that everyday for a week and see how it goes...

Taz