Some of my favorite quotes and sayings are the simplest and truest things. They really make you sit back and think.
One that has always hit home with me is something my mum said to me. And her mum said to her. "You've got to be cruel, to be kind". That one is probably my favorite, but here are some others that I really like:
So there you have it.. there's many more, but these are just the ones I have at the moment, and the ones that I really like.
Have a lovely night,
Taz x
Hey there..
So it's been a while since I wrote. Mainly because I have been so ridiculously flat that I don't even know what I would say.
The past couple of weeks... going on months, I've been experiencing the "depression" side of bipolar. I think I had forgotten what it was like because I was going through a bit of the hypomania without realising and then this has hit me, and it hasn't been very fun.
I have been going through all the shit things like self-doubt, self-hate, self-worth, insecurity, loneliness and social anxiety.. that's just to name a few of the things I've been feeling. And the worst part is, I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! I'm doing all the right things to keep myself happy, but it's just not working.
I'm exercising daily, eating healthily, barely drinking alcohol and seeing my shrink regularly. So if I'm doing all of these things that are supposed to keep me happy, WHY AREN'T THEY!? I know why.. it's because I have a mental illness that isn't just fixed by doing all those things. If only it was. As I'm only on mood stabilisers now, they only take off the severe highs and lows that I go through, so honestly, I would HATE to know what I would be feeling right now if I wasn't on these because I still feel pretty damn shit.
Sadly, my shrink has suggested that I go back onto a low dose of antidepressants.. I'm fighting it. I don't want to do it. I really don't want to be medicated at all! But it seems I may have to be. =( So let's see what he suggests I go on. I can already tell you, I'm going to be a bitch about it. But hey.. if it means I get the right one, then so be it!
So, you know when you wake up in the morning and you're wide awake, have had a pretty decent sleep, it's time to get up and any other day you'd jump out of bed, but today it's just not happening. You're not at all tired, but you just want to pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep in the hope that the world will disappear. Well that's happening every day again. It's an absolute struggle to get out of bed, it's not like the normal, "ohh I don't want to go to work/school/uni today". It's the, "seriously fuck off world. Just leave me the fuck alone, I want to disappear" kind of thing.
I go about my days at uni and am flat. I feel like I'm purposely not making friends because I just can't be bothered and also don't know what to talk to people about. I don't know how to start a conversation, and when I'm put into a situation where I have to talk to someone, the whole time I'm worrying about how boring I'm being and that they would much rather be off talking to someone else. I've lost my spark. And I have a HUGE spark. I know I have so much to give. I'm weird and whacky and random, but these last few weeks/months; I'm dull. And I want my light to come back.. this is shit.
I've become so good at pretending. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I'm ok, but then as soon as I catch a minute by myself, it all comes flooding back.
I know that people that don't know me that well wouldn't even think I'm sad, they wouldn't even know there is something not right. But I know, and that's what makes it even harder.
Do you what? I'm even hating writing this right now because it's so boring. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. EVER. It's just dull.
Seriously, it's times like these when life would be so much easier if it didn't exist. Yes, tomorrow is another day, but I've been telling myself that for weeks now and tomorrow comes and I still feel just as crap, if not worse, as I did the day before.
Anyway, I'm going now before I bore myself and the rest of you any more.
Taz x
