Having any form of a mental illness is one of the most difficult things to explain. Only those who have been affected by it closely or connected to someone who has can understand. Not even the professionals we pay the big bucks to ever fully comprehend the pain/anger/disappointment we feel within ourselves.
My story goes like this..
I was diagnosed with "severe depression and anxiety" about 7 years ago and have tried many different medications and forms of treatment . I've been on the same medication for the last 3 years (Efexor XR), and although I believe it has been the best one for me, I also believe it has taken away my 'real' personality. The type of personality that is crazy, fun, daring, up and down and all over the shop. But not only do I feel it has taken my personality away, it's come with the side effects, such as sweating (anyone that knows me knows it a running joke that I'm constantly complaining about having "the sweats"), dehydrated, jaw clenching; (which turned into TMJ - lockjaw (yes, laugh all you want, but it was PAINFUL! But thankfully I've had my wisdom teeth out now, which is a whole other story, and that has taken the pain away! YAY!) I know they're just the standard side effects but what I hate most is the feeling that if you slip up and miss your meds for ONE day your body goes into complete withdrawal mode.. and I don't know about you, but for me this entails headaches, shakes, nausea, vomiting, extreme stubbornness towards anything positive and then the roller coaster ride of emotions.. sounds fun doesn't it.. ? Or not.. ! =P
So now.. after 3 years of having not made any real progress I was still wondering what the eff is wrong with me?! My family GP over the years has thought of the possibility of Bipolar Type 2.. which I always thought of person that had the label of Bipolar meant they were crazy, so I was a bit reluctant to ever want to consider that I could have this, but she kept saying there is 2 different types etc. I still don't understand completely but I am now seeing a psychiatrist who is helping me immensely!! I am on mood stabilisers along with a lower dose of my antidepressants and I couldn't be happier. My life is finally starting to come together.
I still have my good days and bad days where I am manic but I can at least say they are a lot more controlled now.
Ideally I don't want to be on ANY medications, but for the time being they are helping me.. going forward I am continuing my dream for happiness, and I believe to do this I have to maintain a healthy lifestyle.. which involves eating healthy and exercising, hopefully by doing this on a regular basis I can eventually come off the medications..
I will keep writing about my ongoing dream for happiness.
Taz x
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