Failing miserably

I started uni this year.. Hoping I could do it & get my life back on track.. But I couldn't. I just wasn't strong enough or ready, it seems. 

I've been a constant failure to my family & they don't hesitate in letting me know that. Well, mum & dad aren't too bad, but my brother; well he's a self righteous asshole who thinks every thing other people do is wrong & what he does is right. So of course, every time I have failed (which is a lot), he's been sure to let me know time & time again. The blessed golden child, he can do no wrong.................. but anyway, that's a whole other topic for a whole other day, and clearly a very sensitive topic :/.

So, census date for uni was coming up, and I was struggling. Struggling keeping up with all the work, struggling emotionally and struggling financially. 
I think I knew all along I wasn't able to do it, but I wanted so badly to do it. Not only for myself, but to prove to people that I was capable. That I do have a brain. 
Looking back now, I just wish I had of started part time to begin with so then maybe I could have given myself a fair chance. But now I just don't know what to do. Do I start all over again next year (they don't do mid year intakes for my particular course) & start it part time until I can get my head around it? Or do I just try something else all together that isn't too stressful & that I am capable of handling, mentally. Big decisions need to be made. But frankly, I'm in no state of mind to be making big decisions. The biggest decision I've been struggling to make is what to do every day since quitting uni. Ideally I want to stay in bed all day every day and sleep my time away, but then I know I will just spiral downhill if I do that, so I have been getting up and trying to do things, but I'm flat. I've lied to people for about a month now that I have still been going to uni, and now it's all come to a head. I had to tell someone the truth. I couldn't hold onto it any longer. Not only was it stupid to be lying, but it was tearing me apart. 
I don't know why I lied. Was it the fear of being a failure once again? Of letting everyone down? Of being looked at as a loser for not being able to do it? Being judged? It was everything; all of those things. Plus the feeling of worthlessness and uselessness that I keep putting into my mind. I keep telling myself how stupid and useless I am. So, if I think these things of myself, what must other people think? Sadly, I worry way too much about what people think of me. I just don't want to be a failure. 

Since I've been fucked in the head I haven't been able to hold down a job or be reliable to anyone. I used to be such a driven, determined person.. But I've let my illness get the better of me. It's dictated my day to day life for the last 8 years, and it's ruined everything about it.
I am (rather, I was) a smart and interesting person. But I've lost that and I don't know how to get it back. I'm now so boring that I can't hold intellectual conversations, hell, I can't even hold a normal conversation without worrying that I'm boring the crap out of whoever I'm talking to. And by worrying about it, I then lose focus and stop listening to what whoever I'm talking to because I'm wrapped up in my own world and then appear self involved, when really I'm doubting everything about myself. I start having anxiety and getting the sweats and need to just get out of the situation.. and that's when I make up some lame excuse to get away and regroup. 


What I fear most right now, is telling my parents what I have done. It's destroying me. I want to tell them, but I just don't know how. I'm letting them down once again. I have been a constant disappointment to them, and I keep thinking to myself that one day they are just going to give up on me, and honestly, I don't blame them. 

Mental illnesses are fucked. They are debilitating and heart breaking. If you haven't suffered yourself, then it's highly likely you just don't understand. 

Every day is a constant struggle. You put on that fake smile and try to go about your business. You tell people that you're ok, when you're not. Even when you do tell people that you're struggling, they still don't fully grasp the seriousness of it. They think, oh you've gotten through it before, you can do it again. Well, just because I've gotten through it before, doesn't mean I can make it out the other side again, and again. 
Every day I have 'those' thoughts. I don't even want to say what they are because my rational and sane side is strong enough to fight them off. But I can assure you they cross my mind on a daily basis, several times a day. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I wasn't here. But then I know that it's not worth it. I have so much to live for. So much that still needs to be done. And then that's when I say to myself, TARIN, pull yourself together! There are people out there that are so much worse off than you, and you're sitting here whimpering in the corner about quitting uni?! Grow up! But anyway, I have to remind myself that everyone handles things differently and I really just haven't been coping and I blew it out of proportion and have made "a mountain out of a mole hill" so to speak. 
Yesterday I was inconsolable; today, I'm a bit more rational. Thanks to my darling aunty for helping me see things a bit clearer and making me see that I will be ok. 

So.. the outcome of all of this is: 
I am going to get an appointment to see my shrink again asap, because I haven't been able to afford to see him for a while. And yes, we have a lot to discuss, so until then... stay tuned. 


Taz x