Here is a daily account of what I went through last week.. all I can say is, boy it was tough. It was a bit touch & go there some days. I really didn't know what I was going to do. But I can happily say I followed the light to the end of the tunnel and things are only getting better!! Snaps to me!! =)
You'll find my writing may be a bit all over the shop, but I'm not going to edit it because I want you to get a full understanding of where my head was at.. or not at rather.
Day 1.
My body hasn't realised I haven't taken my daily dose yet, so today is like normal. I'm maybe a bit chattier than usual, but nothing to extreme.
I went and played my normal game of netball tonight, but didn't feel great while playing, more out of breath than normal and a bit all over the shop. Did cop 2 balls to the face which wasn't very fun! Haha
I went to my aunty Katie's for the night as I hadn't seen her for a long time. We had a bit of a chat before going off to bed. Fell asleep easily, but then slept heavily & sweaty all night.
Day 2.
Struggled to wake up, very groggy & sweaty from night before. Felt a bit dehydrated, nothing major though. As day went on dehydration feeling increased; no matter the amount of water I had. Shakes, extreme sweats, nausea & dizziness took effect.
I really felt like I needed to go for a run to clear my mind, but my dicky back gave out (probably from sleeping on the couch at my aunties the night before =P) so I had to put up with it.
Everything was much funnier than normal, at one stage I was laughing hysterically at myself for the fact that I was laughing hysterically. Crazy? Not me? Pfft, wouldn't'a thought!
Night time rolled around, nauseas feeling has increased drastically. Only way to keep it at bay is to lie down & try to sleep. And panadol, boy did panadol become my best friend last week.
Had an omelette for dinner, struggled to eat it as was scared it was gonna return on me. Still hasn't as yet. The tears have started though.. Not because I'm sad, but because I have nothing else to do. It's more like sobbing rather than crying.. If you know what I mean. It's like a sob towards my body cause surely there's an easier way to do this!! ARGH!
Now I'm in bed about to watch the finale of season 3, the vampire diaries. Hoping to fall asleep soon & just sleep through the shitness. Eh.
Annnnnnd my food unfortunately returned on me. Surprise surprise. Am now drinking some camomile tea to try & get through it.
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| Being a massive sicky & feeling like shit, drinking my camomile tea in the hopes it will make me feel better.. |
Day 3. Wow. What a crazy night. I have no idea what was real & what wasn't. Had the craziest dreams & wasn't sure if I was waking up or not. Couldn't talk or move, really felt like I was paralysed.
When I finally got past that I slept so heavily once again, only last night it was a hot night & yet I still slept with my doona on me. Boy did I sweat. Definitely going to have to change the sheets today.
12pm - I just don't know what to do today. So sick. Tears & laughter have visited. More tears than laughter that's for sure.
I'm hating on anything positive. I want to be better but not sure when it's gonna happen. Just shoot me. That's how I feel today.
6pm - Today has been shit. I've managed to eat, so that's good. But the rest has just been shit. I haven't been able to think about anything without bursting into tears, well not really tears cause it's more just sobbing hysterically with no tears cause I'm so dehydrated. I found a list of the common side effects people go through when coming off Effexor. Man. I knew they were bad but seriously, this!?
Out of these 'common side effects' there are only a few I HAVEN'T experienced this week. They were the suicidal thoughts/attempts, insomnia, homicidal thoughts/urges & self-harm. Which I'm happy to say I didn't experience any of those, cause who knows what I could have done.
.... I really recommend to anyone out there who's ever going to be put on antidepressants to steer well clear of Effexor. Yes it may work, but the side effects are not worth it. My eyes are so ridiculously heavy & blurred. I can't look at anything too quickly cause I get dizzy & lose my balance. I'm cold yet hot at the same time but also sweating. I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. The sane part of my brain wants to go for a run but I'm too scared I'll collapse or something. And it doesn't help that it's yucky hot outside. God I hate hot weather.
All I keep thinking about today is how the people in my life really don't seem to care about me. Yeah some say they do, but if it really came down to it.. I don't think they do. I'm such a caring person. I would do anything for those I love, but it really just doesn't seem to be returned. It's like I'm ALWAYS the one to make the effort to contact them or see them. Obviously they just don't give a shit about me. I think watching movies & tv shows it gives you a false sense of people's relationships. Parents know their kids so well & want to help them all the time, friends go out of their way to be a friend, and boyfriends are just so sweet. I don't really give a shit about the boyfriend thing but the family & friends thing. Wow. What I wouldn't kill for to have people around me that cared that much.
Anyway, enough of the sob story. I need a rest, looking at my phone is making my nauseas.
Day 4.
1pm - Slept much better last night.. Made sure I wasn't too warm cause I didn't want to have any strange dreams again. Still slept quite heavily, but it wasn't too bad.Am still quite dizzy & getting the brain zaps or whatever they're called but feeling much better. Haha I'm actually finding I'm having a bit of fun in my own little world.. People are talking to me & I'm chatting back in my head & say what I'm really thinking. Wow if people knew what I was really thinking half the time they'd probably hate me! Ah well.
Day 6.
2am - so technically it's day 6 now but I'm still awake from day 5.. So what do you think it makes it? Yes I may be a little drunk.
Ok, flash back to Day 4.
Come afternoon I was still feeling quite ok. I ended up going to netball training that night, which was probably a big mistake cause I ran half a lap of the court & felt like I was going up pass out. But all in all that night was my first almost normal night & I also managed to hold food down. Yay!
Day 5.
I had a pretty good day yesterday (today).
The sweats & shakes were still ridiculous but the nausea had definitely subsided. The agitation levels & energy levels were high, even though the energy was such a false sense of it. I think it could be something to do with how dehydrated I am that I have no actual energy.
As for the dehydration.. My gosh. I literally pee maybe once, twice tops, a day but I am drinking water like there's no tomorrow. I have my trusty Tupperware drink bottle which is 600ml & I've been drinking a solid 8-10 of them a day & still feeling like I'm drying out. I genuinely think the amount of sweat coming out of my body is the reason though. You really have noooooo idea! Feral to say the least.
Anyway, had a tops day. Went out with my favorite cono, Elisha, & danced up a storm (yes there was a shit load of sweat in the mix as well!!).
Now it's finally bed time. Will touch base for the really day 6. In the morning. Ciao for now x
The real Day 6.
Had a great night last night with Elisha.. today I was maybe going to go and hang out with Nugget, but we both decided to have quiet nights and stay home. I ended up going up to Nat's place where we had a great night, always a laugh with her cause she has Cruz & Zane (the 2 main men in my life, 2 &1/2yrs old & 1 year old.. they are my loves - yes I just said that about children; if you know me, you know I've always been anti-children).
Dehydration is still crazy, as is the sweating and agitation/restlessness, but it's been a lot more bearable.
Day 7.
My mind is almost clear from blurriness and dizziness and am almost feeling back to normal. The sweats, shakes & fever like symptoms are still lingering, but I'm trying to just ignore them. I can't let them dictate what I do and don't do.
Managed to do my first real bit of exercise tonight, 4km run in 26mins.. I was really happy with that considering I had practically been on my death bed just a few days before. Haha but you should have seen the sweat that was coming off my body. I looked like I had actually just gotten out of the pool fully clothed.. ssssssh let's just tell people I did that though hey? =P
Day 8.
Today is has officially been a full week since I stopped taking effexor. My mind is about 90% back to normal with no fogginess or dizziness and my body is feeling clean again.
Sweats.. hmm let's just say I think I'm going to have them for a while yet.. haha ya win some, ya lose some. I would much rather be sweaty, than be on those ridiculous tablets that have masked my moods for the past 3-4 years.
In my mind I am feeling like the "old" me. The one that is pretty much having a party in my head all the time. And it's such a relief to know that I can feel real person emotions. For the past however long I have been numbed to feeling sadness & happiness towards anything real. But I'm back. And it feels great! What makes it even better is that if I do have a bad day (whether it's a depressed day or a hypomanic day), I will cope! That's what the mood stabilizers are for; to take the peaks and troughs off my highs & lows and make them like a normal persons highs & lows. Yay. I'm excited to be almost normal =P
To any friends and family that read this, please be aware that day 3 was one of my worst days emotionally. I was feeling very lonely, negative, irrational and unloved. My mind is clearer now and I do know that you all love me and care about me.. well you should!! =P x
So there you go.. It was a tough week, but I saw it out to the end, and I know I am much stronger for it =) =) =)
If you, or anyone you know is having a hard time, please show your support; you don't even have to say anything, just be there for them.
Ciao for now,
Taz x
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