I started uni this year.. Hoping I could do it & get my life back on track.. But I couldn't. I just wasn't strong enough or ready, it seems.
I've been a constant failure to my family & they don't hesitate in letting me know that. Well, mum & dad aren't too bad, but my brother; well he's a self righteous asshole who thinks every thing other people do is wrong & what he does is right. So of course, every time I have failed (which is a lot), he's been sure to let me know time & time again. The blessed golden child, he can do no wrong.................. but anyway, that's a whole other topic for a whole other day, and clearly a very sensitive topic :/.
So, census date for uni was coming up, and I was struggling. Struggling keeping up with all the work, struggling emotionally and struggling financially.
I think I knew all along I wasn't able to do it, but I wanted so badly to do it. Not only for myself, but to prove to people that I was capable. That I do have a brain.
Looking back now, I just wish I had of started part time to begin with so then maybe I could have given myself a fair chance. But now I just don't know what to do. Do I start all over again next year (they don't do mid year intakes for my particular course) & start it part time until I can get my head around it? Or do I just try something else all together that isn't too stressful & that I am capable of handling, mentally. Big decisions need to be made. But frankly, I'm in no state of mind to be making big decisions. The biggest decision I've been struggling to make is what to do every day since quitting uni. Ideally I want to stay in bed all day every day and sleep my time away, but then I know I will just spiral downhill if I do that, so I have been getting up and trying to do things, but I'm flat. I've lied to people for about a month now that I have still been going to uni, and now it's all come to a head. I had to tell someone the truth. I couldn't hold onto it any longer. Not only was it stupid to be lying, but it was tearing me apart.
I don't know why I lied. Was it the fear of being a failure once again? Of letting everyone down? Of being looked at as a loser for not being able to do it? Being judged? It was everything; all of those things. Plus the feeling of worthlessness and uselessness that I keep putting into my mind. I keep telling myself how stupid and useless I am. So, if I think these things of myself, what must other people think? Sadly, I worry way too much about what people think of me. I just don't want to be a failure.
Since I've been fucked in the head I haven't been able to hold down a job or be reliable to anyone. I used to be such a driven, determined person.. But I've let my illness get the better of me. It's dictated my day to day life for the last 8 years, and it's ruined everything about it.
I am (rather, I was) a smart and interesting person. But I've lost that and I don't know how to get it back. I'm now so boring that I can't hold intellectual conversations, hell, I can't even hold a normal conversation without worrying that I'm boring the crap out of whoever I'm talking to. And by worrying about it, I then lose focus and stop listening to what whoever I'm talking to because I'm wrapped up in my own world and then appear self involved, when really I'm doubting everything about myself. I start having anxiety and getting the sweats and need to just get out of the situation.. and that's when I make up some lame excuse to get away and regroup.
What I fear most right now, is telling my parents what I have done. It's destroying me. I want to tell them, but I just don't know how. I'm letting them down once again. I have been a constant disappointment to them, and I keep thinking to myself that one day they are just going to give up on me, and honestly, I don't blame them.
Mental illnesses are fucked. They are debilitating and heart breaking. If you haven't suffered yourself, then it's highly likely you just don't understand.
Every day is a constant struggle. You put on that fake smile and try to go about your business. You tell people that you're ok, when you're not. Even when you do tell people that you're struggling, they still don't fully grasp the seriousness of it. They think, oh you've gotten through it before, you can do it again. Well, just because I've gotten through it before, doesn't mean I can make it out the other side again, and again.
Every day I have 'those' thoughts. I don't even want to say what they are because my rational and sane side is strong enough to fight them off. But I can assure you they cross my mind on a daily basis, several times a day. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I wasn't here. But then I know that it's not worth it. I have so much to live for. So much that still needs to be done. And then that's when I say to myself, TARIN, pull yourself together! There are people out there that are so much worse off than you, and you're sitting here whimpering in the corner about quitting uni?! Grow up! But anyway, I have to remind myself that everyone handles things differently and I really just haven't been coping and I blew it out of proportion and have made "a mountain out of a mole hill" so to speak.
Yesterday I was inconsolable; today, I'm a bit more rational. Thanks to my darling aunty for helping me see things a bit clearer and making me see that I will be ok.
So.. the outcome of all of this is:
I am going to get an appointment to see my shrink again asap, because I haven't been able to afford to see him for a while. And yes, we have a lot to discuss, so until then... stay tuned.
Taz x
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Quotes and sayings
Some of my favorite quotes and sayings are the simplest and truest things. They really make you sit back and think.
One that has always hit home with me is something my mum said to me. And her mum said to her. "You've got to be cruel, to be kind". That one is probably my favorite, but here are some others that I really like:
Have a lovely night,
Taz x
One that has always hit home with me is something my mum said to me. And her mum said to her. "You've got to be cruel, to be kind". That one is probably my favorite, but here are some others that I really like:
So there you have it.. there's many more, but these are just the ones I have at the moment, and the ones that I really like. Have a lovely night,
Taz x
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Tough times
Hey there..
So it's been a while since I wrote. Mainly because I have been so ridiculously flat that I don't even know what I would say.
The past couple of weeks... going on months, I've been experiencing the "depression" side of bipolar. I think I had forgotten what it was like because I was going through a bit of the hypomania without realising and then this has hit me, and it hasn't been very fun.
I have been going through all the shit things like self-doubt, self-hate, self-worth, insecurity, loneliness and social anxiety.. that's just to name a few of the things I've been feeling. And the worst part is, I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! I'm doing all the right things to keep myself happy, but it's just not working.
I'm exercising daily, eating healthily, barely drinking alcohol and seeing my shrink regularly. So if I'm doing all of these things that are supposed to keep me happy, WHY AREN'T THEY!? I know why.. it's because I have a mental illness that isn't just fixed by doing all those things. If only it was. As I'm only on mood stabilisers now, they only take off the severe highs and lows that I go through, so honestly, I would HATE to know what I would be feeling right now if I wasn't on these because I still feel pretty damn shit.
Sadly, my shrink has suggested that I go back onto a low dose of antidepressants.. I'm fighting it. I don't want to do it. I really don't want to be medicated at all! But it seems I may have to be. =( So let's see what he suggests I go on. I can already tell you, I'm going to be a bitch about it. But hey.. if it means I get the right one, then so be it!
So, you know when you wake up in the morning and you're wide awake, have had a pretty decent sleep, it's time to get up and any other day you'd jump out of bed, but today it's just not happening. You're not at all tired, but you just want to pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep in the hope that the world will disappear. Well that's happening every day again. It's an absolute struggle to get out of bed, it's not like the normal, "ohh I don't want to go to work/school/uni today". It's the, "seriously fuck off world. Just leave me the fuck alone, I want to disappear" kind of thing.
I go about my days at uni and am flat. I feel like I'm purposely not making friends because I just can't be bothered and also don't know what to talk to people about. I don't know how to start a conversation, and when I'm put into a situation where I have to talk to someone, the whole time I'm worrying about how boring I'm being and that they would much rather be off talking to someone else. I've lost my spark. And I have a HUGE spark. I know I have so much to give. I'm weird and whacky and random, but these last few weeks/months; I'm dull. And I want my light to come back.. this is shit.
I've become so good at pretending. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I'm ok, but then as soon as I catch a minute by myself, it all comes flooding back.
I know that people that don't know me that well wouldn't even think I'm sad, they wouldn't even know there is something not right. But I know, and that's what makes it even harder.
Do you what? I'm even hating writing this right now because it's so boring. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. EVER. It's just dull.
Seriously, it's times like these when life would be so much easier if it didn't exist. Yes, tomorrow is another day, but I've been telling myself that for weeks now and tomorrow comes and I still feel just as crap, if not worse, as I did the day before.
Anyway, I'm going now before I bore myself and the rest of you any more.
Taz x
So it's been a while since I wrote. Mainly because I have been so ridiculously flat that I don't even know what I would say.
The past couple of weeks... going on months, I've been experiencing the "depression" side of bipolar. I think I had forgotten what it was like because I was going through a bit of the hypomania without realising and then this has hit me, and it hasn't been very fun.
I have been going through all the shit things like self-doubt, self-hate, self-worth, insecurity, loneliness and social anxiety.. that's just to name a few of the things I've been feeling. And the worst part is, I DON'T KNOW WHY!!! I'm doing all the right things to keep myself happy, but it's just not working.
I'm exercising daily, eating healthily, barely drinking alcohol and seeing my shrink regularly. So if I'm doing all of these things that are supposed to keep me happy, WHY AREN'T THEY!? I know why.. it's because I have a mental illness that isn't just fixed by doing all those things. If only it was. As I'm only on mood stabilisers now, they only take off the severe highs and lows that I go through, so honestly, I would HATE to know what I would be feeling right now if I wasn't on these because I still feel pretty damn shit.
Sadly, my shrink has suggested that I go back onto a low dose of antidepressants.. I'm fighting it. I don't want to do it. I really don't want to be medicated at all! But it seems I may have to be. =( So let's see what he suggests I go on. I can already tell you, I'm going to be a bitch about it. But hey.. if it means I get the right one, then so be it!
So, you know when you wake up in the morning and you're wide awake, have had a pretty decent sleep, it's time to get up and any other day you'd jump out of bed, but today it's just not happening. You're not at all tired, but you just want to pull the covers over your head and go back to sleep in the hope that the world will disappear. Well that's happening every day again. It's an absolute struggle to get out of bed, it's not like the normal, "ohh I don't want to go to work/school/uni today". It's the, "seriously fuck off world. Just leave me the fuck alone, I want to disappear" kind of thing.
I go about my days at uni and am flat. I feel like I'm purposely not making friends because I just can't be bothered and also don't know what to talk to people about. I don't know how to start a conversation, and when I'm put into a situation where I have to talk to someone, the whole time I'm worrying about how boring I'm being and that they would much rather be off talking to someone else. I've lost my spark. And I have a HUGE spark. I know I have so much to give. I'm weird and whacky and random, but these last few weeks/months; I'm dull. And I want my light to come back.. this is shit.
I've become so good at pretending. Sometimes I trick myself into thinking I'm ok, but then as soon as I catch a minute by myself, it all comes flooding back.
I know that people that don't know me that well wouldn't even think I'm sad, they wouldn't even know there is something not right. But I know, and that's what makes it even harder.
Do you what? I'm even hating writing this right now because it's so boring. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. EVER. It's just dull.
Seriously, it's times like these when life would be so much easier if it didn't exist. Yes, tomorrow is another day, but I've been telling myself that for weeks now and tomorrow comes and I still feel just as crap, if not worse, as I did the day before.
Anyway, I'm going now before I bore myself and the rest of you any more.
Taz x
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Men are heroes; women are sluts
What's your number, tell me what's your number. What's your nuuumber.
Thank you Craig David for that little tune =P
Ok, whether you're a man or a woman, the amount of people you've slept with can say a lot about you.
Now I'm not going to tell you my 'number' because whether it's high or low is irrelevant, I am however, going to say that I don't care about how many people I sleep with. That may sound slutty, but in this day & age, people are more inclined to 'try before they buy' and see what's out there. No one should wait around for mr or mrs right.. They should live!
How many people do you know that have only slept with the 1 person? It's a rarity these days.
It's also so hard; you start seeing someone, think it might be kind of serious, have sex with them & then whammo you never hear from them again. And that's where men & women differ.
Men have the theory, get in, get off, get out. And they're heroes if they do that with shit loads of women. Whereas women, if we do it, we're classed as sluts. Double standards much?
I personally believe we are all equal and should be allowed to sleep with as many people as we want, without the judgement. No one ever says to the person who has only slept with 1 person, 'oh wow you must be so frigid, you should get out more' but they do freely give their opinion if someone has slept with several people that they're a slut.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to go & sleep with every Tom, dick & Harry out there, but if you find someone that you want to sleep with, then do it. Don't hold back, because it's highly likely you'll look back on that and regret not doing it or always have the 'what ifs' in your mind.
It's all about keeping your dignity & respecting yourself. As long as you respect yourself, others will respect you. And also remember, treat others how you wish to be treated.
Anyway, we're in the 21st century, men & women should be equal. Just like I think gay marriage should be allowed.. But that's a whole other can of worms to be opened at a later date.
Till next time,
Taz x
Thank you Craig David for that little tune =P
Ok, whether you're a man or a woman, the amount of people you've slept with can say a lot about you.
Now I'm not going to tell you my 'number' because whether it's high or low is irrelevant, I am however, going to say that I don't care about how many people I sleep with. That may sound slutty, but in this day & age, people are more inclined to 'try before they buy' and see what's out there. No one should wait around for mr or mrs right.. They should live!
How many people do you know that have only slept with the 1 person? It's a rarity these days.
It's also so hard; you start seeing someone, think it might be kind of serious, have sex with them & then whammo you never hear from them again. And that's where men & women differ.
Men have the theory, get in, get off, get out. And they're heroes if they do that with shit loads of women. Whereas women, if we do it, we're classed as sluts. Double standards much?
I personally believe we are all equal and should be allowed to sleep with as many people as we want, without the judgement. No one ever says to the person who has only slept with 1 person, 'oh wow you must be so frigid, you should get out more' but they do freely give their opinion if someone has slept with several people that they're a slut.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to go & sleep with every Tom, dick & Harry out there, but if you find someone that you want to sleep with, then do it. Don't hold back, because it's highly likely you'll look back on that and regret not doing it or always have the 'what ifs' in your mind.
It's all about keeping your dignity & respecting yourself. As long as you respect yourself, others will respect you. And also remember, treat others how you wish to be treated.
Anyway, we're in the 21st century, men & women should be equal. Just like I think gay marriage should be allowed.. But that's a whole other can of worms to be opened at a later date.
Till next time,
Taz x
Monday, February 11, 2013
Seven minutes in heaven? Try seven days in hell.
Wellllllll as you may know from my previous blogs, I have been on antidepressants for some time now, and about 6 months ago was put on mood stabilizers. Over the past 6 months my shrink & I have been working together to slowly reduce my antidepressants so that I one day I don't have to be on them. Well that day arrived last week. Sunday 3rd February was the last day I took 37.5mg of Effexor XR (Keep in mind 6 months ago I was on a high dose of 350mg, so I have lowered it significantly). I knew the withdrawal side effects were going to come upon me in the next day or so, but I didn't know the extent of what I was to expect.
Here is a daily account of what I went through last week.. all I can say is, boy it was tough. It was a bit touch & go there some days. I really didn't know what I was going to do. But I can happily say I followed the light to the end of the tunnel and things are only getting better!! Snaps to me!! =)
You'll find my writing may be a bit all over the shop, but I'm not going to edit it because I want you to get a full understanding of where my head was at.. or not at rather.
Day 1.
My body hasn't realised I haven't taken my daily dose yet, so today is like normal. I'm maybe a bit chattier than usual, but nothing to extreme.
I went and played my normal game of netball tonight, but didn't feel great while playing, more out of breath than normal and a bit all over the shop. Did cop 2 balls to the face which wasn't very fun! Haha
I went to my aunty Katie's for the night as I hadn't seen her for a long time. We had a bit of a chat before going off to bed. Fell asleep easily, but then slept heavily & sweaty all night.
Day 2.
Struggled to wake up, very groggy & sweaty from night before. Felt a bit dehydrated, nothing major though. As day went on dehydration feeling increased; no matter the amount of water I had. Shakes, extreme sweats, nausea & dizziness took effect.
I really felt like I needed to go for a run to clear my mind, but my dicky back gave out (probably from sleeping on the couch at my aunties the night before =P) so I had to put up with it.
Everything was much funnier than normal, at one stage I was laughing hysterically at myself for the fact that I was laughing hysterically. Crazy? Not me? Pfft, wouldn't'a thought!
Night time rolled around, nauseas feeling has increased drastically. Only way to keep it at bay is to lie down & try to sleep. And panadol, boy did panadol become my best friend last week.
Had an omelette for dinner, struggled to eat it as was scared it was gonna return on me. Still hasn't as yet. The tears have started though.. Not because I'm sad, but because I have nothing else to do. It's more like sobbing rather than crying.. If you know what I mean. It's like a sob towards my body cause surely there's an easier way to do this!! ARGH!
Now I'm in bed about to watch the finale of season 3, the vampire diaries. Hoping to fall asleep soon & just sleep through the shitness. Eh.
Annnnnnd my food unfortunately returned on me. Surprise surprise. Am now drinking some camomile tea to try & get through it.
Day 3. Wow. What a crazy night. I have no idea what was real & what wasn't. Had the craziest dreams & wasn't sure if I was waking up or not. Couldn't talk or move, really felt like I was paralysed.
When I finally got past that I slept so heavily once again, only last night it was a hot night & yet I still slept with my doona on me. Boy did I sweat. Definitely going to have to change the sheets today.
12pm - I just don't know what to do today. So sick. Tears & laughter have visited. More tears than laughter that's for sure.
I'm hating on anything positive. I want to be better but not sure when it's gonna happen. Just shoot me. That's how I feel today.
6pm - Today has been shit. I've managed to eat, so that's good. But the rest has just been shit. I haven't been able to think about anything without bursting into tears, well not really tears cause it's more just sobbing hysterically with no tears cause I'm so dehydrated. I found a list of the common side effects people go through when coming off Effexor. Man. I knew they were bad but seriously, this!?
Out of these 'common side effects' there are only a few I HAVEN'T experienced this week. They were the suicidal thoughts/attempts, insomnia, homicidal thoughts/urges & self-harm. Which I'm happy to say I didn't experience any of those, cause who knows what I could have done.
.... I really recommend to anyone out there who's ever going to be put on antidepressants to steer well clear of Effexor. Yes it may work, but the side effects are not worth it. My eyes are so ridiculously heavy & blurred. I can't look at anything too quickly cause I get dizzy & lose my balance. I'm cold yet hot at the same time but also sweating. I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. The sane part of my brain wants to go for a run but I'm too scared I'll collapse or something. And it doesn't help that it's yucky hot outside. God I hate hot weather.
All I keep thinking about today is how the people in my life really don't seem to care about me. Yeah some say they do, but if it really came down to it.. I don't think they do. I'm such a caring person. I would do anything for those I love, but it really just doesn't seem to be returned. It's like I'm ALWAYS the one to make the effort to contact them or see them. Obviously they just don't give a shit about me. I think watching movies & tv shows it gives you a false sense of people's relationships. Parents know their kids so well & want to help them all the time, friends go out of their way to be a friend, and boyfriends are just so sweet. I don't really give a shit about the boyfriend thing but the family & friends thing. Wow. What I wouldn't kill for to have people around me that cared that much.
Anyway, enough of the sob story. I need a rest, looking at my phone is making my nauseas.
Day 4.
1pm - Slept much better last night.. Made sure I wasn't too warm cause I didn't want to have any strange dreams again. Still slept quite heavily, but it wasn't too bad.
Am still quite dizzy & getting the brain zaps or whatever they're called but feeling much better. Haha I'm actually finding I'm having a bit of fun in my own little world.. People are talking to me & I'm chatting back in my head & say what I'm really thinking. Wow if people knew what I was really thinking half the time they'd probably hate me! Ah well.
Day 6.
2am - so technically it's day 6 now but I'm still awake from day 5.. So what do you think it makes it? Yes I may be a little drunk.
Ok, flash back to Day 4.
Come afternoon I was still feeling quite ok. I ended up going to netball training that night, which was probably a big mistake cause I ran half a lap of the court & felt like I was going up pass out. But all in all that night was my first almost normal night & I also managed to hold food down. Yay!
Day 5.
I had a pretty good day yesterday (today).
The sweats & shakes were still ridiculous but the nausea had definitely subsided. The agitation levels & energy levels were high, even though the energy was such a false sense of it. I think it could be something to do with how dehydrated I am that I have no actual energy.
As for the dehydration.. My gosh. I literally pee maybe once, twice tops, a day but I am drinking water like there's no tomorrow. I have my trusty Tupperware drink bottle which is 600ml & I've been drinking a solid 8-10 of them a day & still feeling like I'm drying out. I genuinely think the amount of sweat coming out of my body is the reason though. You really have noooooo idea! Feral to say the least.
Anyway, had a tops day. Went out with my favorite cono, Elisha, & danced up a storm (yes there was a shit load of sweat in the mix as well!!).
Now it's finally bed time. Will touch base for the really day 6. In the morning. Ciao for now x
The real Day 6.
Had a great night last night with Elisha.. today I was maybe going to go and hang out with Nugget, but we both decided to have quiet nights and stay home. I ended up going up to Nat's place where we had a great night, always a laugh with her cause she has Cruz & Zane (the 2 main men in my life, 2 &1/2yrs old & 1 year old.. they are my loves - yes I just said that about children; if you know me, you know I've always been anti-children).
Dehydration is still crazy, as is the sweating and agitation/restlessness, but it's been a lot more bearable.
Day 7.
My mind is almost clear from blurriness and dizziness and am almost feeling back to normal. The sweats, shakes & fever like symptoms are still lingering, but I'm trying to just ignore them. I can't let them dictate what I do and don't do.
Managed to do my first real bit of exercise tonight, 4km run in 26mins.. I was really happy with that considering I had practically been on my death bed just a few days before. Haha but you should have seen the sweat that was coming off my body. I looked like I had actually just gotten out of the pool fully clothed.. ssssssh let's just tell people I did that though hey? =P
Day 8.
Today is has officially been a full week since I stopped taking effexor. My mind is about 90% back to normal with no fogginess or dizziness and my body is feeling clean again.
Sweats.. hmm let's just say I think I'm going to have them for a while yet.. haha ya win some, ya lose some. I would much rather be sweaty, than be on those ridiculous tablets that have masked my moods for the past 3-4 years.
In my mind I am feeling like the "old" me. The one that is pretty much having a party in my head all the time. And it's such a relief to know that I can feel real person emotions. For the past however long I have been numbed to feeling sadness & happiness towards anything real. But I'm back. And it feels great! What makes it even better is that if I do have a bad day (whether it's a depressed day or a hypomanic day), I will cope! That's what the mood stabilizers are for; to take the peaks and troughs off my highs & lows and make them like a normal persons highs & lows. Yay. I'm excited to be almost normal =P
To any friends and family that read this, please be aware that day 3 was one of my worst days emotionally. I was feeling very lonely, negative, irrational and unloved. My mind is clearer now and I do know that you all love me and care about me.. well you should!! =P x
So there you go.. It was a tough week, but I saw it out to the end, and I know I am much stronger for it =) =) =)
If you, or anyone you know is having a hard time, please show your support; you don't even have to say anything, just be there for them.
Ciao for now,
Taz x
Here is a daily account of what I went through last week.. all I can say is, boy it was tough. It was a bit touch & go there some days. I really didn't know what I was going to do. But I can happily say I followed the light to the end of the tunnel and things are only getting better!! Snaps to me!! =)
You'll find my writing may be a bit all over the shop, but I'm not going to edit it because I want you to get a full understanding of where my head was at.. or not at rather.
Day 1.
My body hasn't realised I haven't taken my daily dose yet, so today is like normal. I'm maybe a bit chattier than usual, but nothing to extreme.
I went and played my normal game of netball tonight, but didn't feel great while playing, more out of breath than normal and a bit all over the shop. Did cop 2 balls to the face which wasn't very fun! Haha
I went to my aunty Katie's for the night as I hadn't seen her for a long time. We had a bit of a chat before going off to bed. Fell asleep easily, but then slept heavily & sweaty all night.
Day 2.
Struggled to wake up, very groggy & sweaty from night before. Felt a bit dehydrated, nothing major though. As day went on dehydration feeling increased; no matter the amount of water I had. Shakes, extreme sweats, nausea & dizziness took effect.
I really felt like I needed to go for a run to clear my mind, but my dicky back gave out (probably from sleeping on the couch at my aunties the night before =P) so I had to put up with it.
Everything was much funnier than normal, at one stage I was laughing hysterically at myself for the fact that I was laughing hysterically. Crazy? Not me? Pfft, wouldn't'a thought!
Night time rolled around, nauseas feeling has increased drastically. Only way to keep it at bay is to lie down & try to sleep. And panadol, boy did panadol become my best friend last week.
Had an omelette for dinner, struggled to eat it as was scared it was gonna return on me. Still hasn't as yet. The tears have started though.. Not because I'm sad, but because I have nothing else to do. It's more like sobbing rather than crying.. If you know what I mean. It's like a sob towards my body cause surely there's an easier way to do this!! ARGH!
Now I'm in bed about to watch the finale of season 3, the vampire diaries. Hoping to fall asleep soon & just sleep through the shitness. Eh.
Annnnnnd my food unfortunately returned on me. Surprise surprise. Am now drinking some camomile tea to try & get through it.
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| Being a massive sicky & feeling like shit, drinking my camomile tea in the hopes it will make me feel better.. |
Day 3. Wow. What a crazy night. I have no idea what was real & what wasn't. Had the craziest dreams & wasn't sure if I was waking up or not. Couldn't talk or move, really felt like I was paralysed.
When I finally got past that I slept so heavily once again, only last night it was a hot night & yet I still slept with my doona on me. Boy did I sweat. Definitely going to have to change the sheets today.
12pm - I just don't know what to do today. So sick. Tears & laughter have visited. More tears than laughter that's for sure.
I'm hating on anything positive. I want to be better but not sure when it's gonna happen. Just shoot me. That's how I feel today.
6pm - Today has been shit. I've managed to eat, so that's good. But the rest has just been shit. I haven't been able to think about anything without bursting into tears, well not really tears cause it's more just sobbing hysterically with no tears cause I'm so dehydrated. I found a list of the common side effects people go through when coming off Effexor. Man. I knew they were bad but seriously, this!?
Out of these 'common side effects' there are only a few I HAVEN'T experienced this week. They were the suicidal thoughts/attempts, insomnia, homicidal thoughts/urges & self-harm. Which I'm happy to say I didn't experience any of those, cause who knows what I could have done.
.... I really recommend to anyone out there who's ever going to be put on antidepressants to steer well clear of Effexor. Yes it may work, but the side effects are not worth it. My eyes are so ridiculously heavy & blurred. I can't look at anything too quickly cause I get dizzy & lose my balance. I'm cold yet hot at the same time but also sweating. I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. The sane part of my brain wants to go for a run but I'm too scared I'll collapse or something. And it doesn't help that it's yucky hot outside. God I hate hot weather.
All I keep thinking about today is how the people in my life really don't seem to care about me. Yeah some say they do, but if it really came down to it.. I don't think they do. I'm such a caring person. I would do anything for those I love, but it really just doesn't seem to be returned. It's like I'm ALWAYS the one to make the effort to contact them or see them. Obviously they just don't give a shit about me. I think watching movies & tv shows it gives you a false sense of people's relationships. Parents know their kids so well & want to help them all the time, friends go out of their way to be a friend, and boyfriends are just so sweet. I don't really give a shit about the boyfriend thing but the family & friends thing. Wow. What I wouldn't kill for to have people around me that cared that much.
Anyway, enough of the sob story. I need a rest, looking at my phone is making my nauseas.
Day 4.
1pm - Slept much better last night.. Made sure I wasn't too warm cause I didn't want to have any strange dreams again. Still slept quite heavily, but it wasn't too bad.Am still quite dizzy & getting the brain zaps or whatever they're called but feeling much better. Haha I'm actually finding I'm having a bit of fun in my own little world.. People are talking to me & I'm chatting back in my head & say what I'm really thinking. Wow if people knew what I was really thinking half the time they'd probably hate me! Ah well.
Day 6.
2am - so technically it's day 6 now but I'm still awake from day 5.. So what do you think it makes it? Yes I may be a little drunk.
Ok, flash back to Day 4.
Come afternoon I was still feeling quite ok. I ended up going to netball training that night, which was probably a big mistake cause I ran half a lap of the court & felt like I was going up pass out. But all in all that night was my first almost normal night & I also managed to hold food down. Yay!
Day 5.
I had a pretty good day yesterday (today).
The sweats & shakes were still ridiculous but the nausea had definitely subsided. The agitation levels & energy levels were high, even though the energy was such a false sense of it. I think it could be something to do with how dehydrated I am that I have no actual energy.
As for the dehydration.. My gosh. I literally pee maybe once, twice tops, a day but I am drinking water like there's no tomorrow. I have my trusty Tupperware drink bottle which is 600ml & I've been drinking a solid 8-10 of them a day & still feeling like I'm drying out. I genuinely think the amount of sweat coming out of my body is the reason though. You really have noooooo idea! Feral to say the least.
Anyway, had a tops day. Went out with my favorite cono, Elisha, & danced up a storm (yes there was a shit load of sweat in the mix as well!!).
Now it's finally bed time. Will touch base for the really day 6. In the morning. Ciao for now x
The real Day 6.
Had a great night last night with Elisha.. today I was maybe going to go and hang out with Nugget, but we both decided to have quiet nights and stay home. I ended up going up to Nat's place where we had a great night, always a laugh with her cause she has Cruz & Zane (the 2 main men in my life, 2 &1/2yrs old & 1 year old.. they are my loves - yes I just said that about children; if you know me, you know I've always been anti-children).
Dehydration is still crazy, as is the sweating and agitation/restlessness, but it's been a lot more bearable.
Day 7.
My mind is almost clear from blurriness and dizziness and am almost feeling back to normal. The sweats, shakes & fever like symptoms are still lingering, but I'm trying to just ignore them. I can't let them dictate what I do and don't do.
Managed to do my first real bit of exercise tonight, 4km run in 26mins.. I was really happy with that considering I had practically been on my death bed just a few days before. Haha but you should have seen the sweat that was coming off my body. I looked like I had actually just gotten out of the pool fully clothed.. ssssssh let's just tell people I did that though hey? =P
Day 8.
Today is has officially been a full week since I stopped taking effexor. My mind is about 90% back to normal with no fogginess or dizziness and my body is feeling clean again.
Sweats.. hmm let's just say I think I'm going to have them for a while yet.. haha ya win some, ya lose some. I would much rather be sweaty, than be on those ridiculous tablets that have masked my moods for the past 3-4 years.
In my mind I am feeling like the "old" me. The one that is pretty much having a party in my head all the time. And it's such a relief to know that I can feel real person emotions. For the past however long I have been numbed to feeling sadness & happiness towards anything real. But I'm back. And it feels great! What makes it even better is that if I do have a bad day (whether it's a depressed day or a hypomanic day), I will cope! That's what the mood stabilizers are for; to take the peaks and troughs off my highs & lows and make them like a normal persons highs & lows. Yay. I'm excited to be almost normal =P
To any friends and family that read this, please be aware that day 3 was one of my worst days emotionally. I was feeling very lonely, negative, irrational and unloved. My mind is clearer now and I do know that you all love me and care about me.. well you should!! =P x
So there you go.. It was a tough week, but I saw it out to the end, and I know I am much stronger for it =) =) =)
If you, or anyone you know is having a hard time, please show your support; you don't even have to say anything, just be there for them.
Ciao for now,
Taz x
Friday, February 1, 2013
The art of texting c/o The Man Repeller
As per my previous blog Boys and their disappearing acts; this blog by The Man Repeller is so fitting and appropriate to another thing we should avoid doing when a guy falls off the face of the earth.
The art of texting
Please follow this link if you feel you may need some advice!!
Taz x
The art of texting
Please follow this link if you feel you may need some advice!!
Taz x
Boys and their disappearing acts
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls.
Have you ever had the experience where someone you're seeing/hooking up with just all of a sudden drops off the face of the earth? I have; and it's shit. For some godforsaken reason they think it's easier that way.
But, if you're anything like me, you require answers. Whether you like the person or not.
Honesty is the best policy. It may hurt now but in the long run, you'll be thankful for it!
Sometimes even a white lie is better than nothing at all.
The not knowing is the killer.
You check your phone every 5 minutes in the hope there's a message from them. Every time your phone goes off you're hoping its them & then when it's not you're almost pissed off at whoever has messaged you cause it's not who you want it to be. It's a vicious cycle.
I made a promise to myself a while ago that I would be up front when it came to guys. I've had a few guys message me & want to go out & honestly, they just weren't my type. So I did what any decent human being does, lets them down lightly. Yes I may have said the typical "I'm just not looking for anything or anyone right now", but hey, at least they know I'm not interested. Whereas some guys I know literally disappear. They think if I just don't reply, she'll get the point. But guess what guys, WE DON'T! We want you to man up, grow some balls & tell us that you just don't want to keep speaking to/seeing us. That way we can at least leave it with some dignity & respect for ourselves. Whereas your way, we turn into crazies. We message you repeatedly, call from private numbers to see if you'll answer, stalk your Facebook, ask friends if they've seen you & who you were with (ok, I'm sounding like a psycho. Haha. I can honestly say I haven't done any of these things for a very long time). But don't say you've never done it, cause I bet you've done it at least once or twice in your life.
Anyway, I'm learning that if a guy wants to see you or speak to you; he will. So now I try to not turn the crazy switch. Mind you, it's always there, lingering, trying to come out, waiting for me to weaken so it can pounce, but it's so much better if you just keep yourself busy. That way you're not thinking about it. And as they say, think like a man.
Men. Don't. Care. They don't think to message us & tell us everything they've eaten, seen or done in their day. It's just not in their nature. Whereas women are sharers. We like to talk & tell those we care about what we're up to. But seriously, do we even care?!! I know I'm certainly starting to careless. It makes it so much easier.
Ok, any men out there that read this, please take this on board & at least try to let the girls down nicely. Maybe that way you won't get a bad reputation for being the "player" we already know you are.
Remember girls, think like a man.
Taz x
Have you ever had the experience where someone you're seeing/hooking up with just all of a sudden drops off the face of the earth? I have; and it's shit. For some godforsaken reason they think it's easier that way.
But, if you're anything like me, you require answers. Whether you like the person or not.
Honesty is the best policy. It may hurt now but in the long run, you'll be thankful for it!
Sometimes even a white lie is better than nothing at all.
The not knowing is the killer.
You check your phone every 5 minutes in the hope there's a message from them. Every time your phone goes off you're hoping its them & then when it's not you're almost pissed off at whoever has messaged you cause it's not who you want it to be. It's a vicious cycle.
I made a promise to myself a while ago that I would be up front when it came to guys. I've had a few guys message me & want to go out & honestly, they just weren't my type. So I did what any decent human being does, lets them down lightly. Yes I may have said the typical "I'm just not looking for anything or anyone right now", but hey, at least they know I'm not interested. Whereas some guys I know literally disappear. They think if I just don't reply, she'll get the point. But guess what guys, WE DON'T! We want you to man up, grow some balls & tell us that you just don't want to keep speaking to/seeing us. That way we can at least leave it with some dignity & respect for ourselves. Whereas your way, we turn into crazies. We message you repeatedly, call from private numbers to see if you'll answer, stalk your Facebook, ask friends if they've seen you & who you were with (ok, I'm sounding like a psycho. Haha. I can honestly say I haven't done any of these things for a very long time). But don't say you've never done it, cause I bet you've done it at least once or twice in your life.
Anyway, I'm learning that if a guy wants to see you or speak to you; he will. So now I try to not turn the crazy switch. Mind you, it's always there, lingering, trying to come out, waiting for me to weaken so it can pounce, but it's so much better if you just keep yourself busy. That way you're not thinking about it. And as they say, think like a man.
Men. Don't. Care. They don't think to message us & tell us everything they've eaten, seen or done in their day. It's just not in their nature. Whereas women are sharers. We like to talk & tell those we care about what we're up to. But seriously, do we even care?!! I know I'm certainly starting to careless. It makes it so much easier.
Ok, any men out there that read this, please take this on board & at least try to let the girls down nicely. Maybe that way you won't get a bad reputation for being the "player" we already know you are.
Remember girls, think like a man.
Taz x
Friday, January 18, 2013
My whole30 experience - Day 16
Wellllllll it's been a little over 2 weeks now and I'm still going. It's been a battle at times, but worth it on so many levels.
My energy levels have increased dramatically, my sleeping has improved and my bloating has gone down. Yay!
Sleeping has always been an issue for me, for as long as I can remember anyway. And now I'm going to bed by 9:30pm every night, and waking up only once or twice throughout the night to go to the bathroom and waking up at about 6:30-7am every morning feeling fresh as a daisy. It's new to me, and it's a great feeling!
My meals have been pretty good, I'm not yet bored so that's always a positive.
On a negative though; I've had an absolutely shit day today. It's mainly because of money. Money. Money. F*cking money! It's the maker and the breaker of the world. It can really ruin lives. The stress it puts on you is just, just, shit. Agreed?
I've never been a rich person, I grew up with parents that struggled, and then separated so then they struggled even more, but I didn't have a miserable poor life either. There was always food on the table, I always got to do the things I wanted with my horses, which anyone that knows what it's like to have horses, they are not a cheap animal to have or hobby to have. Especially if you compete, and if you have the type of horses we had/have. Anyway, I've gone off track. What I was saying was, I've never been rich, but I am good at making money but also very good at spending it. Probably a bit too good, if you ask my bank account. But because I am starting uni this year, I'm not going to be able to earn a full time wage with all the perks of sick and annual leave anymore- what the hell am I going to do?! I haven't even started uni yet, am working part time as much as possible, but am seriously struggling. Definitely a lot more going out than there is coming in.. and that's because of my shopping addiction. Or rather, food shopping addiction now.This whole30 isn't cheap which sucks. I really have to control what I'm buying. The only advantage is that if you make something big, you can eat it for leftovers. Snaps!
Ok, I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this blog, but I really just like to do it because it clears my mind. Would love to know how to get more followers if people like it.. so if anyone wants to share some info, please feel free to send it on =)
Anyway, that's all for now.
Till next time,
Taz x
My energy levels have increased dramatically, my sleeping has improved and my bloating has gone down. Yay!
Sleeping has always been an issue for me, for as long as I can remember anyway. And now I'm going to bed by 9:30pm every night, and waking up only once or twice throughout the night to go to the bathroom and waking up at about 6:30-7am every morning feeling fresh as a daisy. It's new to me, and it's a great feeling!
My meals have been pretty good, I'm not yet bored so that's always a positive.
On a negative though; I've had an absolutely shit day today. It's mainly because of money. Money. Money. F*cking money! It's the maker and the breaker of the world. It can really ruin lives. The stress it puts on you is just, just, shit. Agreed?
I've never been a rich person, I grew up with parents that struggled, and then separated so then they struggled even more, but I didn't have a miserable poor life either. There was always food on the table, I always got to do the things I wanted with my horses, which anyone that knows what it's like to have horses, they are not a cheap animal to have or hobby to have. Especially if you compete, and if you have the type of horses we had/have. Anyway, I've gone off track. What I was saying was, I've never been rich, but I am good at making money but also very good at spending it. Probably a bit too good, if you ask my bank account. But because I am starting uni this year, I'm not going to be able to earn a full time wage with all the perks of sick and annual leave anymore- what the hell am I going to do?! I haven't even started uni yet, am working part time as much as possible, but am seriously struggling. Definitely a lot more going out than there is coming in.. and that's because of my shopping addiction. Or rather, food shopping addiction now.This whole30 isn't cheap which sucks. I really have to control what I'm buying. The only advantage is that if you make something big, you can eat it for leftovers. Snaps!
Ok, I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this blog, but I really just like to do it because it clears my mind. Would love to know how to get more followers if people like it.. so if anyone wants to share some info, please feel free to send it on =)
Anyway, that's all for now.
Till next time,
Taz x
Monday, January 7, 2013
Falling off cloud 9
Life is so hunky dory sometimes that we forget there are still the things out there that turn your life upside down.
Today I'm having a really crappy today.
It started with sleeping in that bit later than normal, I was too warm and woke up feeling groggy. I then went to an osteo appointment for my back and they still can't figure out what is going on with it cause the pain keeps changing where it wants to be. But I have also now been advised to make a claim through TAC because they are thinking that my car accident that I had back in March last year is what has caused this. That just makes me feel pathetic & wimpy. There are people out there with much more serious conditions from car accidents than me, so I feel almost wrong by making a claim.. what are your thoughts?
And then the day has just gone down hill from there. Because I'm doing the whole30 I'm obviously having sugar withdrawals and being emotional makes me want sugar even more.
In the past 4 or so years I have been a continual stuff up. I have lost friends & family's trust in me because I have been unreliable, lied, and just gone about some things completely the wrong way. I turned my life around last year, after having a breakdown and not knowing what to do or how to get myself out of the blackhole I had dug myself into I finally took the steps to get help and try and make something out of my life.
But in doing all that, I still will never have the trust from the people I want and need it from the most. I might one day be able to show them that I am capable of being trustworthy and reliable, but it will have to come with time. It just sucks because it always comes back to bite you in the ass and remind you of the mistakes you have made over the years.
Honestly, I don't even know what to write today, I am in such a negative place that I really just want to curl up into a ball and sob. Pathetic isn't it?!
Till next time
Taz x
Today I'm having a really crappy today.
It started with sleeping in that bit later than normal, I was too warm and woke up feeling groggy. I then went to an osteo appointment for my back and they still can't figure out what is going on with it cause the pain keeps changing where it wants to be. But I have also now been advised to make a claim through TAC because they are thinking that my car accident that I had back in March last year is what has caused this. That just makes me feel pathetic & wimpy. There are people out there with much more serious conditions from car accidents than me, so I feel almost wrong by making a claim.. what are your thoughts?
And then the day has just gone down hill from there. Because I'm doing the whole30 I'm obviously having sugar withdrawals and being emotional makes me want sugar even more.
In the past 4 or so years I have been a continual stuff up. I have lost friends & family's trust in me because I have been unreliable, lied, and just gone about some things completely the wrong way. I turned my life around last year, after having a breakdown and not knowing what to do or how to get myself out of the blackhole I had dug myself into I finally took the steps to get help and try and make something out of my life.
But in doing all that, I still will never have the trust from the people I want and need it from the most. I might one day be able to show them that I am capable of being trustworthy and reliable, but it will have to come with time. It just sucks because it always comes back to bite you in the ass and remind you of the mistakes you have made over the years.
Honestly, I don't even know what to write today, I am in such a negative place that I really just want to curl up into a ball and sob. Pathetic isn't it?!
Till next time
Taz x
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Meal ideas & Recipes
It's a struggle to try and work out new meal ideas so that you don't keep repeating the same meals, as seen with my first few days of breakfasts.
So today I'm searching meals and collating a "recipe book" with everything I find appealing.
Also any websites I think have great insights, stories and ideas.
Feel free to give some input if you think it will make the recipes better! =)
Checkout:
hollywouldifshecould.net
Pinterest
Ok, I'm getting really tired and feeling the need to have sugar. hmmmmmm
Gotta go do something.
Later mater,
Taz x
So today I'm searching meals and collating a "recipe book" with everything I find appealing.
Also any websites I think have great insights, stories and ideas.
Feel free to give some input if you think it will make the recipes better! =)
Checkout:
hollywouldifshecould.net
Ok, I'm getting really tired and feeling the need to have sugar. hmmmmmm
Gotta go do something.
Later mater,
Taz x
Friday, January 4, 2013
My whole30 experience - Day 3
Well I've made it to day 3... I'm feeling good. Well today I am. Last night I had a terrrrrrrrrrible night. Was massively bloated and couldn't sleep. No idea why! Gosh! But today I'm feeling a bit better. Yay! =)
I think I'm really starting to miss sugar. Got a bit cranky today, so I'm assuming that's what is causing it =P
Ok, so the meals I've had:
Day 2
Breakfast: 2 eggs, yolk mixed into whites, 2 rashers bacon, sauteed spinach, grilled tomato
Lunch: Leftovers from dinner the night before (Zucchini spaghetti, tomato, carrot, garlic & onion sauce & chicken)
Dinner: Salmon steak, salad - lettuce, cherry tomatoes, avocado, red onion - salt & pepper (cooked by a friend)
Day 3
Breakfast: 2 eggs - yolk mixed into whites; 2 rashers bacon, sauteed spinach, grilled tomato (think it's time to try something new! =P)
Lunch: diced chicken.. very plain & boring.
Dinner: Eye fillet steak, sweet potato wedges, sauteed spinach mixed with crushed garlic.
Can't seem to get my photos to work.. will try another time.
Till next time, Taz x
I think I'm really starting to miss sugar. Got a bit cranky today, so I'm assuming that's what is causing it =P
Ok, so the meals I've had:
Day 2
Breakfast: 2 eggs, yolk mixed into whites, 2 rashers bacon, sauteed spinach, grilled tomato
Lunch: Leftovers from dinner the night before (Zucchini spaghetti, tomato, carrot, garlic & onion sauce & chicken)
Dinner: Salmon steak, salad - lettuce, cherry tomatoes, avocado, red onion - salt & pepper (cooked by a friend)
Day 3
Breakfast: 2 eggs - yolk mixed into whites; 2 rashers bacon, sauteed spinach, grilled tomato (think it's time to try something new! =P)
Lunch: diced chicken.. very plain & boring.
Dinner: Eye fillet steak, sweet potato wedges, sauteed spinach mixed with crushed garlic.
Can't seem to get my photos to work.. will try another time.
Till next time, Taz x
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
My Whole30 Experience
Today I started the Whole30 Challenge, if you follow the link below, you'll find all information about it if you're interested.
http://whole9life.com/2012/08/the-whole30-program/
I've been wanting to do it for a while as a friend of mine did and she raved about it.
Today my meals consisted of:
Breakfast: Bacon & egg with the yolk mixed into the egg whites (I hate the runniness of the yolk, it makes me feel ill to just look at it).
Lunch: Omelet with tomato, carrot & onion - salt & pepper added
Dinner: Zucchini spaghetti, tomato, carrot, garlic & onion sauce & chicken
Dinner was absolutely delicious!! I've wanted to do zucchini spaghetti for ages, but didn't have the proper peeler, until now! So when I say delicious, it was great, but I think because it was my first try at something like this, I can only get better.
All I can say now is, Day 1 is completed, only 29 days to go!!
Taz x
http://whole9life.com/2012/08/the-whole30-program/
I've been wanting to do it for a while as a friend of mine did and she raved about it.
Today my meals consisted of:
Breakfast: Bacon & egg with the yolk mixed into the egg whites (I hate the runniness of the yolk, it makes me feel ill to just look at it).
Lunch: Omelet with tomato, carrot & onion - salt & pepper added
Dinner: Zucchini spaghetti, tomato, carrot, garlic & onion sauce & chicken
Dinner was absolutely delicious!! I've wanted to do zucchini spaghetti for ages, but didn't have the proper peeler, until now! So when I say delicious, it was great, but I think because it was my first try at something like this, I can only get better.
All I can say now is, Day 1 is completed, only 29 days to go!!
Taz x
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